I'm pissed. I am so mad that everyone else's marriage can work out, that no matter how crazy the person, they can have babies and life works out. I wasn't supposed to have this happen to me. I was supposed to have my happily ever after. I'm funny, I'm nice, I know how to cook, I love decorating and sewing. I want a family, I'm pretty. I know I am not perfect, but this is so much more than I can endure. Thank you facebook chat for bringing all of this up.

On another note, this will be the busiest week of my life. I have a major paper to finish tonight, presentation tomorrow, paperS due, sister coming in to town, last day of class. Tuesday is a work party and reading day, then Wednesday is finals, dad and brother and Frank coming to town. Must be out of apartment, carpets need to be professionally cleaned. Do not have a housing contract, still no car. Thurs is my apartment walk through, then graduation part one. Graduation part 2 is Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday everyone leaves. I will be officially homeless...

I heard myself say, "I don't matter enough to me" today. Sundays are some of the hardest days to get through. This last week has been an emotional roller coaster. The heartache that I have felt has been unreal. It has felt so consuming and unbearable. Sometimes I wish I could make myself invisible and sleep for 100 years like Sleeping Beauty. I wonder what it would be like if I could wake up, with the dragon slayed, my prince charming by my side and feeling like I just woke up from the best night of sleep. The thoughts that consume my mind exhaust me, my family, my best friends. I have tried to keep it inside but lately the crazy seems to be spilling out.

"If he would come back I would never speak against his family. We could live in Southern California near his family (or with his family). They could pay our bills and control our finances. I would go to every family function, on time, and even if they yelled at me or made fun of me to my face/behind my back. I wouldn't cry before or after like I used to. I would do whatever he wanted. I would give up my BFF (that he never liked or got along with). I would never see my family. I would let him eat McDonald's everyday. I would put away the laundry sooner. I would devote my entire life to doing things for him. I would do anything..."

I didn't expect to have all of this come up, again. What I am experiencing now parallels in the pain I felt in April. I didn't expect to have a round 2 with this kind of opposition. My day changed however, when I found this (accidentally, on a friend's fb page of all places). I was reminded that I can keep going and better times will come. I know this for a fact.

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I

I will have a migraine that remains a companion to me for the rest of today, but I feel the day looking much brighter already.

How is it July already?

I can't believe it's July already! There are only 4 more weeks of Summer term. I love having class on Mon/Wed, and having them in Salt Lake. I love that area and being out of Provo for those 2 days a week. Work is going well too, although I am working way more than I would like to. The paychecks remind me that it's worth it. There is a nordstrom half yearly sale coming up and I am planning on spending $500. If I spend less, then I feel like I am saving LOL.

I found a new author, Jhumpa Lahiri, that I am in love with. I started with The Namesake (amazing), then Interpreter of Maladies (also amazing), and now I am reading Unaccustomed Earth. All of Lahiri's stories focus on some aspect of Indian/Bengali life. She has an incredible talent for detail and a way of inviting you in to her culture and character's lives. I have a list of other books I want to read but I am on a wait list for just about everything else at the Provo Library. Dang.

Some things I love

One of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally.

Harry to Sally: "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
"You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you."


Another one of my favorites. Harry and Sally are in a restaurant and Sally is explaining why her and her boyfriend (whom she's had great sex with) broke up.
Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry: What?
Sally: They don't make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God

The way her voice inflects on God is one of my favorite things.

Harry: "On the side" is a very big thing for you.
Followed by,
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry: I know; high maintenance.

I have a lot of similarities to Sally's particularity when it comes to ordering. I hate drive thru's for this very reason. I know a guy is worth keeping around when he learns my ordering routines and eating patterns.

Mr. Big

I am involved with an uninvolved Mr. Big. He knows he's a big deal. Famous (bible, people really do know him), BYU alumni (graduated cum laud), traveled the world and more recently a hot shot graduate from BYU's Law School. My Mr. Big wears nice suits, crisp ties and has a clean hair cut that says I am professional yet stylish. Together, there is a chemistry I can't explain. Everything seems to fit and it leaves me awake at night recalling every detail of the evening. I spend the entire next day dissecting the conversation and topics; I should have said this, flirted more here. Fist strikes my head. The details swirl in my head like a record on repeat.

Mr. Big came over the other night, catching me by complete surprise. For the first time, he was seeing me in my raw element. I had gone on a date the night before (different guy), so 100 combination's of shirts and pants were still on my bed. Laundry was clean, but had not been put away. I was lucky my underwear weren't on the bathroom floor or the sofa. I had been getting ready for bed when he called. He kept me on the phone and then surprise, was in my living room. We chatted for the next hour. I didn't want him to leave, knowing the next morning when I worked the opening shift I would be regretting my late night. He left with an ambiguous decision about a lunch date. I told him I would wait for his text. The text never came, nor did anything the day after.

I think Mr.Big left today to return to the life in the state he currently resides. At least he told me he was leaving Tuesday. I am his Carrie; slightly wild, unpredictable, curly mop on top and wanting someone, (him), to "stand still with". He does just enough to keep me hooked. And dang, I fall for it every time.

Parenting

Often, I take for granted that what I know as it relates to parenting, is not common knowledge. Even though it seems so intuitive in a way, for some, it is not. More recently I have been exposed to parents that 1. should not be parents 2. are completely overwhelmed, and in my opinion, are overwhelmed because they lack the parenting tools to help them work through issues like rules, consequences and following through. I would think that every soon-to-be parent would take a class on parenting. Apparently, not everyone does.
I spent time with a friend today that has completely overwhelmed me with the chaos in her life. I actually spent the weekend with this friend. It is a marriage that is loosely held together by two children, who are crying out for love and attention in their home. There is an awkwardness between husband and wife; tension you could cut with a knife. Routine is absent. The children fall asleep where ever they land. They need Super Nanny! The children are easy to love though. I think I feel frustrated the most because I think of how I want my family life to look and this is my worst nightmare. When I envision my life with children in it, I imagine a considerable amount of chaos: science experiments in the backyard, dirty hands and faces, loud laughter, owies and things that help me learn to roll with the punches. However, I also envision that after dinner, children helping with the chores according to the chore chart assignment for the week, family prayer, baths, brushing of teeth, reading stories, checking for monsters, more prayers and putting the little ones to bed. After the little ones are tucked away, I envision time to spend with the older children and more quiet time. I know there will be days when I come downstairs and look over at my husband, both of us exhausted, where we faintly but lovingly smile at one another before heading off to bed shortly after.
There is something so powerful about routines and rituals that strengthen our families and our homes. It is through the small and simple ways that we show our love for our spouse, children and invite the spirit to dwell within our walls. Failure in our homes is not an option. Our children need more to survive as valiant saints but I don't think enough parents know. Knowledge is power; it increases our ability to act for ourselves and not be acted upon. To make good, better and best choice, we must know what is available.
My heart aches for what is currently absent in my life. To have come so close to actually being a parent myself, and then having that taken, cuts deeper than any wound I have ever experienced. I know Father knows best, and has been so mindful of my needs. I know that my time will come but I must exercise patience. I am currently reading The Peacegiver, which is an incredible book. For anyone that is struggling in their marriage, I would highly recommend it. I would even suggest that anyone read it as it teaches about the Atonement in a way unlike anything I have ever read before. You also never know who's life it may touch should someone turn to you for help or counsel.
I can feel myself cooling down. I don't think many people read my blog, but it feels good to put it out there. To be semi-anonymous but have a space to vent, a place for my thoughts, and the funny things I can't say out loud.

Thoughts

So many, so little time! I am almost through with finals. I have a giant paper deadline looming; 7 hours 23 minutes until I must electronically submit. A giant paper that will determine my paper worth on a transcript. Of course I have writer's block. Maybe it is anxiety; fear of starting something so massive it feels overwhelming. At 12:30 I took a much needed lunch break and went to Kneaders, one of my favorite places in the world, and sat outside with a friend while we enjoyed our salads. Victoria's Secret is having their semi-annual sale, so we went up to the U mall after. I left with a very cute blue and white striped bra in hand. I like to keep things interested even though no one will ever know but me.
I am still in disbelief that the term is already over. Summer classes start on Monday, and in 6 weeks I will really be done and graduated forever! There isn't a soul that could take this moment from me. I wish I had a job lined up; something that I could have for certain in my future. After August, I will have no job, no potential source of income, no vehicle, and will likely move home. Moving home is the worst of all of the above listed. Love the fam, but prefer my sanity more. I made a quick trip home this past weekend for my sister's high school graduation. A great trip, but living at home, especially with no ending date, would put me in a padded cell.
Well, my dear blog, thank you for distracting me for just moments longer. My diet mt. dew is starting to kick in and I am feeling literary genius beginning to reach my finger tips. Take home essay finals are the worst...