I buy potential

I saw this sweater and knew it was love. Lust, love, what's the difference. I had to have it. Immediately. Forget that someone probably forced their kindergarten teacher mom into donating this jewel. I knew that there would come a day that this sweater would not only be appropriate, but the ONLY article of clothing acceptable for the fictional event I made up in my head to rationalize the purchase. My senses have yet to fail me when it comes to shopping finds. I felt like an indian of the delta. With my wavy hair and sweater-dress I was invincible. Behold, the power of America, on a knit sweater, for display on the body of a mid-20something delayed adolescent.

When something isn't working...

I have that sinking feeling that this something I have with someone isn't working. Or better said, what I thought I had with someone, never was! I'm burning. Naturally, my discovery came on my drive back from the grocery store. It had been a good day. ended the call ASAP. Now I'm left to endlessly think.

This concept of time. Incredible how it passes so quickly. I stumbled upon my abandoned blog by accident. I am supposed to be studying for finals, which begin in one week from today. If only I could tell my teachers that I can't control when I am inspired to write (resulting in deviation from the course of studies). Thank goodness google stores and retains everything. What a precious gem- to have that time of my life preserved (albeit, for better and worse). I applaud my then younger self for being so brave during a time when I was so scared. I wish I had written more. That summer, simply put, was a summer of struggle. I was 23 years old, going through a painfully terrible divorce and trying to finish my degree. In the blink of an eye, it was as if the happy life I "was supposed to have" was being taken for me. Everything was in a state of crisis and uncertainty. Everything except my faith. It was faith that anchored me. Through faith, I could see and feel what can only be described as divine inspiration. The journey that continued from that time was also not easy. My faith became shaky as I began to lean on my own strength and separate myself from what I began to resent. I lacked much of the social support I once had while living in "the bubble". Many of the superficial wounds healed; the sticks and stones gave me a thicker skin. In some ways though, the deepest of wounds remain yet to be seen. I remember when I started this blog. I didn't know what to call it. I felt as if life was anything but beautiful. If it was, I certainly wasn't seeing anything beautiful around me. I wish I could say there was a miraculous sign from the skies, but it was rather uneventful. I was kneeling on the cheapest grade of hunter green carpet feeling empty. There were no tears left to cry, no words to be said, no peace to be found. In that moment though, I distinctively remember a calm unlike anything else. It's like the burning in your throat before you cry feeling, combined with the tide, washing away what feels like everything. Soul detox. And in that moment, I felt so small, recognizing so many of the great things I could enjoy, and a hint of future of things yet to be revealed that would be my greatest of joys. A decision to pray for goodness in my soul has made all the difference from that point forward in my life. The fast-forward-to-the-present continues to be a journey. I wait at times patiently, at times impatiently, as the pathway continues to unfold. Far from perfection, but growing with each hurdle that presents itself. With that being said, I will get back to my studies... and hopefully tend to my blog more often!

Is it October Already?

It has been a long time since I blogged last. Since my last (rather angry) post, I have graduated, received my diploma in the mail, spent a week in St. Thomas, 2 weeks in Oklahoma with my BFF and a crazy weekend in Dallas, Texas. November 2-November 17 I will be in London, England! I'm really looking forward to the trip. I have yet to find a job; traveling has made it more difficult (you have to be in one place long enough to apply and interview for a position before you can actually land a job). I keep telling myself "after London". I really will get a job after London.

This week has been relatively uneventful. I sewed three aprons in three days. I could not be more thrilled with how they came out. If my camera wasn't broken I would be uploading pictures. I made one for halloween (probably the apron I am the most excited about). It has glittery ghosts as the main fabric print and a cute but hard to explain trim. The other apron is for an old friend, who is going to die when he sees the apron. It has racing cars as the main print and wrenches/tools for the accent fabric. The last apron I made is a gift to my mom. It's an americana themed apron. I have the cutest buttons to add to the apron. Those have to be hand sewn but otherwise, the aprons are all finished.

I was visit taught today and I think I will like my visiting teachers. They are both endowed, making me feel less like an outcast in my ward. The majority of the girls in my ward are not endowed and young, making me feel like a frumpy old dinosaur. I have a date on Saturday night; cooking in at my place. I know it will be an early night because the guy that I am going on the date with has a high up calling and has meetings that start at 7:00am. I thought I had him figured out but he is feisty. Much feistier than I ever thought he would be capable of. He seems to have it pretty together, but is younger than I am. Turn off. I am thinking I need to start a new blog; just for dating. It could be the material for a book that I will someday publish. There is a book currently on stand that I saw at the airport written by a man glorifying his sleazy sexual encounters and degrading feelings about women. I will write a book quite the opposite of that.

I'm pissed. I am so mad that everyone else's marriage can work out, that no matter how crazy the person, they can have babies and life works out. I wasn't supposed to have this happen to me. I was supposed to have my happily ever after. I'm funny, I'm nice, I know how to cook, I love decorating and sewing. I want a family, I'm pretty. I know I am not perfect, but this is so much more than I can endure. Thank you facebook chat for bringing all of this up.

On another note, this will be the busiest week of my life. I have a major paper to finish tonight, presentation tomorrow, paperS due, sister coming in to town, last day of class. Tuesday is a work party and reading day, then Wednesday is finals, dad and brother and Frank coming to town. Must be out of apartment, carpets need to be professionally cleaned. Do not have a housing contract, still no car. Thurs is my apartment walk through, then graduation part one. Graduation part 2 is Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday everyone leaves. I will be officially homeless...

I heard myself say, "I don't matter enough to me" today. Sundays are some of the hardest days to get through. This last week has been an emotional roller coaster. The heartache that I have felt has been unreal. It has felt so consuming and unbearable. Sometimes I wish I could make myself invisible and sleep for 100 years like Sleeping Beauty. I wonder what it would be like if I could wake up, with the dragon slayed, my prince charming by my side and feeling like I just woke up from the best night of sleep. The thoughts that consume my mind exhaust me, my family, my best friends. I have tried to keep it inside but lately the crazy seems to be spilling out.

"If he would come back I would never speak against his family. We could live in Southern California near his family (or with his family). They could pay our bills and control our finances. I would go to every family function, on time, and even if they yelled at me or made fun of me to my face/behind my back. I wouldn't cry before or after like I used to. I would do whatever he wanted. I would give up my BFF (that he never liked or got along with). I would never see my family. I would let him eat McDonald's everyday. I would put away the laundry sooner. I would devote my entire life to doing things for him. I would do anything..."

I didn't expect to have all of this come up, again. What I am experiencing now parallels in the pain I felt in April. I didn't expect to have a round 2 with this kind of opposition. My day changed however, when I found this (accidentally, on a friend's fb page of all places). I was reminded that I can keep going and better times will come. I know this for a fact.

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I

I will have a migraine that remains a companion to me for the rest of today, but I feel the day looking much brighter already.

How is it July already?

I can't believe it's July already! There are only 4 more weeks of Summer term. I love having class on Mon/Wed, and having them in Salt Lake. I love that area and being out of Provo for those 2 days a week. Work is going well too, although I am working way more than I would like to. The paychecks remind me that it's worth it. There is a nordstrom half yearly sale coming up and I am planning on spending $500. If I spend less, then I feel like I am saving LOL.

I found a new author, Jhumpa Lahiri, that I am in love with. I started with The Namesake (amazing), then Interpreter of Maladies (also amazing), and now I am reading Unaccustomed Earth. All of Lahiri's stories focus on some aspect of Indian/Bengali life. She has an incredible talent for detail and a way of inviting you in to her culture and character's lives. I have a list of other books I want to read but I am on a wait list for just about everything else at the Provo Library. Dang.