I heard myself say, "I don't matter enough to me" today. Sundays are some of the hardest days to get through. This last week has been an emotional roller coaster. The heartache that I have felt has been unreal. It has felt so consuming and unbearable. Sometimes I wish I could make myself invisible and sleep for 100 years like Sleeping Beauty. I wonder what it would be like if I could wake up, with the dragon slayed, my prince charming by my side and feeling like I just woke up from the best night of sleep. The thoughts that consume my mind exhaust me, my family, my best friends. I have tried to keep it inside but lately the crazy seems to be spilling out.

"If he would come back I would never speak against his family. We could live in Southern California near his family (or with his family). They could pay our bills and control our finances. I would go to every family function, on time, and even if they yelled at me or made fun of me to my face/behind my back. I wouldn't cry before or after like I used to. I would do whatever he wanted. I would give up my BFF (that he never liked or got along with). I would never see my family. I would let him eat McDonald's everyday. I would put away the laundry sooner. I would devote my entire life to doing things for him. I would do anything..."

I didn't expect to have all of this come up, again. What I am experiencing now parallels in the pain I felt in April. I didn't expect to have a round 2 with this kind of opposition. My day changed however, when I found this (accidentally, on a friend's fb page of all places). I was reminded that I can keep going and better times will come. I know this for a fact.

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I

I will have a migraine that remains a companion to me for the rest of today, but I feel the day looking much brighter already.