Mr. Big

I am involved with an uninvolved Mr. Big. He knows he's a big deal. Famous (bible, people really do know him), BYU alumni (graduated cum laud), traveled the world and more recently a hot shot graduate from BYU's Law School. My Mr. Big wears nice suits, crisp ties and has a clean hair cut that says I am professional yet stylish. Together, there is a chemistry I can't explain. Everything seems to fit and it leaves me awake at night recalling every detail of the evening. I spend the entire next day dissecting the conversation and topics; I should have said this, flirted more here. Fist strikes my head. The details swirl in my head like a record on repeat.

Mr. Big came over the other night, catching me by complete surprise. For the first time, he was seeing me in my raw element. I had gone on a date the night before (different guy), so 100 combination's of shirts and pants were still on my bed. Laundry was clean, but had not been put away. I was lucky my underwear weren't on the bathroom floor or the sofa. I had been getting ready for bed when he called. He kept me on the phone and then surprise, was in my living room. We chatted for the next hour. I didn't want him to leave, knowing the next morning when I worked the opening shift I would be regretting my late night. He left with an ambiguous decision about a lunch date. I told him I would wait for his text. The text never came, nor did anything the day after.

I think Mr.Big left today to return to the life in the state he currently resides. At least he told me he was leaving Tuesday. I am his Carrie; slightly wild, unpredictable, curly mop on top and wanting someone, (him), to "stand still with". He does just enough to keep me hooked. And dang, I fall for it every time.

Parenting

Often, I take for granted that what I know as it relates to parenting, is not common knowledge. Even though it seems so intuitive in a way, for some, it is not. More recently I have been exposed to parents that 1. should not be parents 2. are completely overwhelmed, and in my opinion, are overwhelmed because they lack the parenting tools to help them work through issues like rules, consequences and following through. I would think that every soon-to-be parent would take a class on parenting. Apparently, not everyone does.
I spent time with a friend today that has completely overwhelmed me with the chaos in her life. I actually spent the weekend with this friend. It is a marriage that is loosely held together by two children, who are crying out for love and attention in their home. There is an awkwardness between husband and wife; tension you could cut with a knife. Routine is absent. The children fall asleep where ever they land. They need Super Nanny! The children are easy to love though. I think I feel frustrated the most because I think of how I want my family life to look and this is my worst nightmare. When I envision my life with children in it, I imagine a considerable amount of chaos: science experiments in the backyard, dirty hands and faces, loud laughter, owies and things that help me learn to roll with the punches. However, I also envision that after dinner, children helping with the chores according to the chore chart assignment for the week, family prayer, baths, brushing of teeth, reading stories, checking for monsters, more prayers and putting the little ones to bed. After the little ones are tucked away, I envision time to spend with the older children and more quiet time. I know there will be days when I come downstairs and look over at my husband, both of us exhausted, where we faintly but lovingly smile at one another before heading off to bed shortly after.
There is something so powerful about routines and rituals that strengthen our families and our homes. It is through the small and simple ways that we show our love for our spouse, children and invite the spirit to dwell within our walls. Failure in our homes is not an option. Our children need more to survive as valiant saints but I don't think enough parents know. Knowledge is power; it increases our ability to act for ourselves and not be acted upon. To make good, better and best choice, we must know what is available.
My heart aches for what is currently absent in my life. To have come so close to actually being a parent myself, and then having that taken, cuts deeper than any wound I have ever experienced. I know Father knows best, and has been so mindful of my needs. I know that my time will come but I must exercise patience. I am currently reading The Peacegiver, which is an incredible book. For anyone that is struggling in their marriage, I would highly recommend it. I would even suggest that anyone read it as it teaches about the Atonement in a way unlike anything I have ever read before. You also never know who's life it may touch should someone turn to you for help or counsel.
I can feel myself cooling down. I don't think many people read my blog, but it feels good to put it out there. To be semi-anonymous but have a space to vent, a place for my thoughts, and the funny things I can't say out loud.

Thoughts

So many, so little time! I am almost through with finals. I have a giant paper deadline looming; 7 hours 23 minutes until I must electronically submit. A giant paper that will determine my paper worth on a transcript. Of course I have writer's block. Maybe it is anxiety; fear of starting something so massive it feels overwhelming. At 12:30 I took a much needed lunch break and went to Kneaders, one of my favorite places in the world, and sat outside with a friend while we enjoyed our salads. Victoria's Secret is having their semi-annual sale, so we went up to the U mall after. I left with a very cute blue and white striped bra in hand. I like to keep things interested even though no one will ever know but me.
I am still in disbelief that the term is already over. Summer classes start on Monday, and in 6 weeks I will really be done and graduated forever! There isn't a soul that could take this moment from me. I wish I had a job lined up; something that I could have for certain in my future. After August, I will have no job, no potential source of income, no vehicle, and will likely move home. Moving home is the worst of all of the above listed. Love the fam, but prefer my sanity more. I made a quick trip home this past weekend for my sister's high school graduation. A great trip, but living at home, especially with no ending date, would put me in a padded cell.
Well, my dear blog, thank you for distracting me for just moments longer. My diet mt. dew is starting to kick in and I am feeling literary genius beginning to reach my finger tips. Take home essay finals are the worst...

16 and Pregnant

This is one of my guilty pleasures. I have mixed feelings as to whether or not it is advocating and glamorizing teenage pregnancy, or whether it is discouraging teen pregnancy. I like that as a disclaimer, the show states that "teen pregnancy is 100% preventable" and includes a website (itsyoursexlife.org). The site is interesting; informative, a place where people can post questions, locate resources. Abstinence is not mentioned anywhere on the site though. Personally, I believe in comprehensive sex education, but I believe abstinence has a place in the curriculum. Especially in an over-sexualized culture, I think it is important to teach teens that in reality, NOT everyone is doing it. Much of sex education belongs in the home, and should take place before the child is faced with the actual decision to "go all the way" or not. Again, another opinion.

Even with all the resources in the world, I think some people choose their consequences. A friend of mine, very sexually active, had a child shortly after our high school graduation. Her life has not been easy, nor has she embraced motherhood the way I envision myself embracing that part of my life. Even after the birth of her daughter, she continues to use contraceptives only sometimes- but not all the time. I wonder how people make those decisions so irresponsibly; especially after experiencing the consequences of that action once before. More recently, she found herself in the same position, with father #2 and baby #2. Baby #2 was not carried out to term. My heart broke that she made this decision. She had called me to see what I thought, but later let me know the decision she had made. Father #2 had strongly persuaded her; at times something she furiously resents.

Half Marathon and Some of Life

I wish I would have blogged sooner! Much of my post-half marathon enthusiasm has worn off. I did proudly wear my participation medal for 2 days, just in case for anyone who knew me, or didn't, that they would know I had accomplished something great. I am already thinking about my next half marathon. The problem? My co-worker is a Canadian and going back to her mother land and more than likely will not be able to do another half marathon with me until August. I found a half marathon on July 10 that I am 75% sold on. If I can find someone to do it with me and move around a meeting for work (much more complicated than a little meeting, but no one wants me to blog about that) than I will be 100% on board. They do massages after! How awesome. Also, something about a free catered Gandolfo's breakfast. I've never been to Gandolfo's, but I've only heard good things.

I am currently blogging from work. Thinking about the overwhelming amount of things I need to do has forced me to kill time on facebook. After looking at other people's blogs, I remembered I needed to blog for the week. I will rotate in 12 minutes, sit for a half hour, then have an hour break and be free! Saturdays are the best days to work at the pool, but then again, it is Saturday, and indoors :( . I think about how neat it would be to have a retractable roof. If only! My mother has actually been advocating artificial tanning to help with my coloring; or lack of. She told me she was worried because it looked like I hadn't been outside for a year. I reminded her where I live and she still thought I looked unhealthy. I'm on the fence. I think it's that I know it's bad for me but am I going to let that stop me paradigm. I would never be one of those crazy people that tans everyday, or every other day, but maybe once a week, once every two weeks. Does that make me like the social drinker? Occasional smoker?

After work my friends are picking me up and we are going to the temple together. I am SO excited to go! I have been faithfully going every week since mid March. It has been an incredible experience, especially given that I have no vehicle. The temple isn't the most bike-to friendly activity; I have had to completely rely on random text messages, tagging along with couples, and asking others for help in getting me there. I would love to visit some of the other temples in this area, but I have yet to venture out! My one attempt to go to the Timpanogas temple did not work out. I have been emailing with a friend that currently lives in Dallas, and had the thought that soon, I will be leaving the bubble for the real world, and that a temple will not be so close to me. By real world. I mean bay area, where I call home. The closest temple to me (and my favorite) is the Oakland Temple. It is 45 minutes away. Not awful compared to the people that have to make a 3 day journey, but will require more planning and careful thought about when I can and will attend the temple.