I'm pissed. I am so mad that everyone else's marriage can work out, that no matter how crazy the person, they can have babies and life works out. I wasn't supposed to have this happen to me. I was supposed to have my happily ever after. I'm funny, I'm nice, I know how to cook, I love decorating and sewing. I want a family, I'm pretty. I know I am not perfect, but this is so much more than I can endure. Thank you facebook chat for bringing all of this up.

On another note, this will be the busiest week of my life. I have a major paper to finish tonight, presentation tomorrow, paperS due, sister coming in to town, last day of class. Tuesday is a work party and reading day, then Wednesday is finals, dad and brother and Frank coming to town. Must be out of apartment, carpets need to be professionally cleaned. Do not have a housing contract, still no car. Thurs is my apartment walk through, then graduation part one. Graduation part 2 is Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday everyone leaves. I will be officially homeless...

I heard myself say, "I don't matter enough to me" today. Sundays are some of the hardest days to get through. This last week has been an emotional roller coaster. The heartache that I have felt has been unreal. It has felt so consuming and unbearable. Sometimes I wish I could make myself invisible and sleep for 100 years like Sleeping Beauty. I wonder what it would be like if I could wake up, with the dragon slayed, my prince charming by my side and feeling like I just woke up from the best night of sleep. The thoughts that consume my mind exhaust me, my family, my best friends. I have tried to keep it inside but lately the crazy seems to be spilling out.

"If he would come back I would never speak against his family. We could live in Southern California near his family (or with his family). They could pay our bills and control our finances. I would go to every family function, on time, and even if they yelled at me or made fun of me to my face/behind my back. I wouldn't cry before or after like I used to. I would do whatever he wanted. I would give up my BFF (that he never liked or got along with). I would never see my family. I would let him eat McDonald's everyday. I would put away the laundry sooner. I would devote my entire life to doing things for him. I would do anything..."

I didn't expect to have all of this come up, again. What I am experiencing now parallels in the pain I felt in April. I didn't expect to have a round 2 with this kind of opposition. My day changed however, when I found this (accidentally, on a friend's fb page of all places). I was reminded that I can keep going and better times will come. I know this for a fact.

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I

I will have a migraine that remains a companion to me for the rest of today, but I feel the day looking much brighter already.