Is it October Already?

It has been a long time since I blogged last. Since my last (rather angry) post, I have graduated, received my diploma in the mail, spent a week in St. Thomas, 2 weeks in Oklahoma with my BFF and a crazy weekend in Dallas, Texas. November 2-November 17 I will be in London, England! I'm really looking forward to the trip. I have yet to find a job; traveling has made it more difficult (you have to be in one place long enough to apply and interview for a position before you can actually land a job). I keep telling myself "after London". I really will get a job after London.

This week has been relatively uneventful. I sewed three aprons in three days. I could not be more thrilled with how they came out. If my camera wasn't broken I would be uploading pictures. I made one for halloween (probably the apron I am the most excited about). It has glittery ghosts as the main fabric print and a cute but hard to explain trim. The other apron is for an old friend, who is going to die when he sees the apron. It has racing cars as the main print and wrenches/tools for the accent fabric. The last apron I made is a gift to my mom. It's an americana themed apron. I have the cutest buttons to add to the apron. Those have to be hand sewn but otherwise, the aprons are all finished.

I was visit taught today and I think I will like my visiting teachers. They are both endowed, making me feel less like an outcast in my ward. The majority of the girls in my ward are not endowed and young, making me feel like a frumpy old dinosaur. I have a date on Saturday night; cooking in at my place. I know it will be an early night because the guy that I am going on the date with has a high up calling and has meetings that start at 7:00am. I thought I had him figured out but he is feisty. Much feistier than I ever thought he would be capable of. He seems to have it pretty together, but is younger than I am. Turn off. I am thinking I need to start a new blog; just for dating. It could be the material for a book that I will someday publish. There is a book currently on stand that I saw at the airport written by a man glorifying his sleazy sexual encounters and degrading feelings about women. I will write a book quite the opposite of that.

I'm pissed. I am so mad that everyone else's marriage can work out, that no matter how crazy the person, they can have babies and life works out. I wasn't supposed to have this happen to me. I was supposed to have my happily ever after. I'm funny, I'm nice, I know how to cook, I love decorating and sewing. I want a family, I'm pretty. I know I am not perfect, but this is so much more than I can endure. Thank you facebook chat for bringing all of this up.

On another note, this will be the busiest week of my life. I have a major paper to finish tonight, presentation tomorrow, paperS due, sister coming in to town, last day of class. Tuesday is a work party and reading day, then Wednesday is finals, dad and brother and Frank coming to town. Must be out of apartment, carpets need to be professionally cleaned. Do not have a housing contract, still no car. Thurs is my apartment walk through, then graduation part one. Graduation part 2 is Friday. Then Saturday and Sunday everyone leaves. I will be officially homeless...

I heard myself say, "I don't matter enough to me" today. Sundays are some of the hardest days to get through. This last week has been an emotional roller coaster. The heartache that I have felt has been unreal. It has felt so consuming and unbearable. Sometimes I wish I could make myself invisible and sleep for 100 years like Sleeping Beauty. I wonder what it would be like if I could wake up, with the dragon slayed, my prince charming by my side and feeling like I just woke up from the best night of sleep. The thoughts that consume my mind exhaust me, my family, my best friends. I have tried to keep it inside but lately the crazy seems to be spilling out.

"If he would come back I would never speak against his family. We could live in Southern California near his family (or with his family). They could pay our bills and control our finances. I would go to every family function, on time, and even if they yelled at me or made fun of me to my face/behind my back. I wouldn't cry before or after like I used to. I would do whatever he wanted. I would give up my BFF (that he never liked or got along with). I would never see my family. I would let him eat McDonald's everyday. I would put away the laundry sooner. I would devote my entire life to doing things for him. I would do anything..."

I didn't expect to have all of this come up, again. What I am experiencing now parallels in the pain I felt in April. I didn't expect to have a round 2 with this kind of opposition. My day changed however, when I found this (accidentally, on a friend's fb page of all places). I was reminded that I can keep going and better times will come. I know this for a fact.

http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I

I will have a migraine that remains a companion to me for the rest of today, but I feel the day looking much brighter already.

How is it July already?

I can't believe it's July already! There are only 4 more weeks of Summer term. I love having class on Mon/Wed, and having them in Salt Lake. I love that area and being out of Provo for those 2 days a week. Work is going well too, although I am working way more than I would like to. The paychecks remind me that it's worth it. There is a nordstrom half yearly sale coming up and I am planning on spending $500. If I spend less, then I feel like I am saving LOL.

I found a new author, Jhumpa Lahiri, that I am in love with. I started with The Namesake (amazing), then Interpreter of Maladies (also amazing), and now I am reading Unaccustomed Earth. All of Lahiri's stories focus on some aspect of Indian/Bengali life. She has an incredible talent for detail and a way of inviting you in to her culture and character's lives. I have a list of other books I want to read but I am on a wait list for just about everything else at the Provo Library. Dang.

Some things I love

One of my favorite movies of all time, When Harry Met Sally.

Harry to Sally: "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
"You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you."


Another one of my favorites. Harry and Sally are in a restaurant and Sally is explaining why her and her boyfriend (whom she's had great sex with) broke up.
Sally: Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry: Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Harry: What?
Sally: They don't make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God

The way her voice inflects on God is one of my favorite things.

Harry: "On the side" is a very big thing for you.
Followed by,
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry: I know; high maintenance.

I have a lot of similarities to Sally's particularity when it comes to ordering. I hate drive thru's for this very reason. I know a guy is worth keeping around when he learns my ordering routines and eating patterns.

Mr. Big

I am involved with an uninvolved Mr. Big. He knows he's a big deal. Famous (bible, people really do know him), BYU alumni (graduated cum laud), traveled the world and more recently a hot shot graduate from BYU's Law School. My Mr. Big wears nice suits, crisp ties and has a clean hair cut that says I am professional yet stylish. Together, there is a chemistry I can't explain. Everything seems to fit and it leaves me awake at night recalling every detail of the evening. I spend the entire next day dissecting the conversation and topics; I should have said this, flirted more here. Fist strikes my head. The details swirl in my head like a record on repeat.

Mr. Big came over the other night, catching me by complete surprise. For the first time, he was seeing me in my raw element. I had gone on a date the night before (different guy), so 100 combination's of shirts and pants were still on my bed. Laundry was clean, but had not been put away. I was lucky my underwear weren't on the bathroom floor or the sofa. I had been getting ready for bed when he called. He kept me on the phone and then surprise, was in my living room. We chatted for the next hour. I didn't want him to leave, knowing the next morning when I worked the opening shift I would be regretting my late night. He left with an ambiguous decision about a lunch date. I told him I would wait for his text. The text never came, nor did anything the day after.

I think Mr.Big left today to return to the life in the state he currently resides. At least he told me he was leaving Tuesday. I am his Carrie; slightly wild, unpredictable, curly mop on top and wanting someone, (him), to "stand still with". He does just enough to keep me hooked. And dang, I fall for it every time.

Parenting

Often, I take for granted that what I know as it relates to parenting, is not common knowledge. Even though it seems so intuitive in a way, for some, it is not. More recently I have been exposed to parents that 1. should not be parents 2. are completely overwhelmed, and in my opinion, are overwhelmed because they lack the parenting tools to help them work through issues like rules, consequences and following through. I would think that every soon-to-be parent would take a class on parenting. Apparently, not everyone does.
I spent time with a friend today that has completely overwhelmed me with the chaos in her life. I actually spent the weekend with this friend. It is a marriage that is loosely held together by two children, who are crying out for love and attention in their home. There is an awkwardness between husband and wife; tension you could cut with a knife. Routine is absent. The children fall asleep where ever they land. They need Super Nanny! The children are easy to love though. I think I feel frustrated the most because I think of how I want my family life to look and this is my worst nightmare. When I envision my life with children in it, I imagine a considerable amount of chaos: science experiments in the backyard, dirty hands and faces, loud laughter, owies and things that help me learn to roll with the punches. However, I also envision that after dinner, children helping with the chores according to the chore chart assignment for the week, family prayer, baths, brushing of teeth, reading stories, checking for monsters, more prayers and putting the little ones to bed. After the little ones are tucked away, I envision time to spend with the older children and more quiet time. I know there will be days when I come downstairs and look over at my husband, both of us exhausted, where we faintly but lovingly smile at one another before heading off to bed shortly after.
There is something so powerful about routines and rituals that strengthen our families and our homes. It is through the small and simple ways that we show our love for our spouse, children and invite the spirit to dwell within our walls. Failure in our homes is not an option. Our children need more to survive as valiant saints but I don't think enough parents know. Knowledge is power; it increases our ability to act for ourselves and not be acted upon. To make good, better and best choice, we must know what is available.
My heart aches for what is currently absent in my life. To have come so close to actually being a parent myself, and then having that taken, cuts deeper than any wound I have ever experienced. I know Father knows best, and has been so mindful of my needs. I know that my time will come but I must exercise patience. I am currently reading The Peacegiver, which is an incredible book. For anyone that is struggling in their marriage, I would highly recommend it. I would even suggest that anyone read it as it teaches about the Atonement in a way unlike anything I have ever read before. You also never know who's life it may touch should someone turn to you for help or counsel.
I can feel myself cooling down. I don't think many people read my blog, but it feels good to put it out there. To be semi-anonymous but have a space to vent, a place for my thoughts, and the funny things I can't say out loud.

Thoughts

So many, so little time! I am almost through with finals. I have a giant paper deadline looming; 7 hours 23 minutes until I must electronically submit. A giant paper that will determine my paper worth on a transcript. Of course I have writer's block. Maybe it is anxiety; fear of starting something so massive it feels overwhelming. At 12:30 I took a much needed lunch break and went to Kneaders, one of my favorite places in the world, and sat outside with a friend while we enjoyed our salads. Victoria's Secret is having their semi-annual sale, so we went up to the U mall after. I left with a very cute blue and white striped bra in hand. I like to keep things interested even though no one will ever know but me.
I am still in disbelief that the term is already over. Summer classes start on Monday, and in 6 weeks I will really be done and graduated forever! There isn't a soul that could take this moment from me. I wish I had a job lined up; something that I could have for certain in my future. After August, I will have no job, no potential source of income, no vehicle, and will likely move home. Moving home is the worst of all of the above listed. Love the fam, but prefer my sanity more. I made a quick trip home this past weekend for my sister's high school graduation. A great trip, but living at home, especially with no ending date, would put me in a padded cell.
Well, my dear blog, thank you for distracting me for just moments longer. My diet mt. dew is starting to kick in and I am feeling literary genius beginning to reach my finger tips. Take home essay finals are the worst...

16 and Pregnant

This is one of my guilty pleasures. I have mixed feelings as to whether or not it is advocating and glamorizing teenage pregnancy, or whether it is discouraging teen pregnancy. I like that as a disclaimer, the show states that "teen pregnancy is 100% preventable" and includes a website (itsyoursexlife.org). The site is interesting; informative, a place where people can post questions, locate resources. Abstinence is not mentioned anywhere on the site though. Personally, I believe in comprehensive sex education, but I believe abstinence has a place in the curriculum. Especially in an over-sexualized culture, I think it is important to teach teens that in reality, NOT everyone is doing it. Much of sex education belongs in the home, and should take place before the child is faced with the actual decision to "go all the way" or not. Again, another opinion.

Even with all the resources in the world, I think some people choose their consequences. A friend of mine, very sexually active, had a child shortly after our high school graduation. Her life has not been easy, nor has she embraced motherhood the way I envision myself embracing that part of my life. Even after the birth of her daughter, she continues to use contraceptives only sometimes- but not all the time. I wonder how people make those decisions so irresponsibly; especially after experiencing the consequences of that action once before. More recently, she found herself in the same position, with father #2 and baby #2. Baby #2 was not carried out to term. My heart broke that she made this decision. She had called me to see what I thought, but later let me know the decision she had made. Father #2 had strongly persuaded her; at times something she furiously resents.

Half Marathon and Some of Life

I wish I would have blogged sooner! Much of my post-half marathon enthusiasm has worn off. I did proudly wear my participation medal for 2 days, just in case for anyone who knew me, or didn't, that they would know I had accomplished something great. I am already thinking about my next half marathon. The problem? My co-worker is a Canadian and going back to her mother land and more than likely will not be able to do another half marathon with me until August. I found a half marathon on July 10 that I am 75% sold on. If I can find someone to do it with me and move around a meeting for work (much more complicated than a little meeting, but no one wants me to blog about that) than I will be 100% on board. They do massages after! How awesome. Also, something about a free catered Gandolfo's breakfast. I've never been to Gandolfo's, but I've only heard good things.

I am currently blogging from work. Thinking about the overwhelming amount of things I need to do has forced me to kill time on facebook. After looking at other people's blogs, I remembered I needed to blog for the week. I will rotate in 12 minutes, sit for a half hour, then have an hour break and be free! Saturdays are the best days to work at the pool, but then again, it is Saturday, and indoors :( . I think about how neat it would be to have a retractable roof. If only! My mother has actually been advocating artificial tanning to help with my coloring; or lack of. She told me she was worried because it looked like I hadn't been outside for a year. I reminded her where I live and she still thought I looked unhealthy. I'm on the fence. I think it's that I know it's bad for me but am I going to let that stop me paradigm. I would never be one of those crazy people that tans everyday, or every other day, but maybe once a week, once every two weeks. Does that make me like the social drinker? Occasional smoker?

After work my friends are picking me up and we are going to the temple together. I am SO excited to go! I have been faithfully going every week since mid March. It has been an incredible experience, especially given that I have no vehicle. The temple isn't the most bike-to friendly activity; I have had to completely rely on random text messages, tagging along with couples, and asking others for help in getting me there. I would love to visit some of the other temples in this area, but I have yet to venture out! My one attempt to go to the Timpanogas temple did not work out. I have been emailing with a friend that currently lives in Dallas, and had the thought that soon, I will be leaving the bubble for the real world, and that a temple will not be so close to me. By real world. I mean bay area, where I call home. The closest temple to me (and my favorite) is the Oakland Temple. It is 45 minutes away. Not awful compared to the people that have to make a 3 day journey, but will require more planning and careful thought about when I can and will attend the temple.

Trash TV

I realized, that in general, some of my favorite television programs are complete trash. I am an intelligent Latter-Day Saint woman, yet some of my favorite television shows include: Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Beverly Hills 90210 (the old gang; not the current), Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill (past phase), and (secretively) The Hills (it's a love/hate thing I am going through). YET, I absolutely HATE crude programming, like Family Guy. The question begs to be asked, am I okay with the amount of sexual content in my choice of programs? I must be to a certain degree; after all, Grey's Anatomy wouldn't be the same if it weren't for the bed hopping, regrettable choices made under the influence, and awkward elevator moments. I highly doubt I would watch without that element of sex, tension and anticipatory excitement.

Even worse, I have found myself rooting for certain characters to "do it". I wish I could think of a recent example, but of course, it is currently escaping me. I have the same problem with movies too. Of course I know better, but in this fabricated reality, I don't have to worry about morals, the exaltation of the soul or consequences of the characters' behavior. Would I really want to watch something where no one swore, dressed modestly, and went on group dates, like night games in the park? Everyone home my midnight? I can't say it would keep me as entertained as some of the above mentioned programs.

My mind/life isn't completely consumed by this junk either. I am probably one of the only people that tunes in to past BYU devotionals, and that round table scripture study thing the old guys and occasional lady do. Aside from those two programs, I find BYU tv to be a total snore. I often think of my future children as motivation for change. I think to myself, would I want them watching this? When the answer is no, I know I am responsible for being the first agent of change. I don't know that I have come to a conclusion, but these have been my current thoughts on the subject.

Monday continued...

Now that I blogged about my fabulous weekend, I am left with the reality of Monday and the week ahead. I am up to my eyeballs with school-related projects that I have neither the energy or attention span to dedicate my time towards. I have been working on my note card for my media final and keep looking for ways to take breaks. I've gotten up to get a snack, read the ensign, fix my hair, wipe down my counter tops, reorganize binders, throw away notes from previous semesters. I am literally looking for anything (including blogging!) to keep myself from the work at hand. Well, back to the grind...

Monday

I have had an amazing weekend! Saturday morning I woke up, deep cleaned the apartment, went to pilates, lunch after with the girl friends, thrift store shopping after and then a trip up to the Conference Center to watch the Young Ambassadors perform. They were awesome! I also saw Grant, that guy that sang in our class the other week.

Sunday I went for a run, then church, then off to SLC again to make dinner with friends. After, we had the opportunity to meet and hear Elder Christofferson speak! It was a really neat experience. Elder Christofferson is from their stake. It was a very downlow, small-ish and intimate setting. I feel so blessed to have had experiences like this, being at a university where the prophet himself speaks at! I also created a healthy cookie recipe that actually tastes good. They're guilt free zucchini cookies. Love it!

Favorite Books

As part of an assignment for my media class, we have to dedicate one post about our favorite book as a child and our current favorite book. The favorite book that came to mind during my childhood was anything from the Ramona series. I can't remember very much from the series, but the things that come to mind make me laugh. I remember her doll named Chevrolet, because she liked the way it sounded. I think there was also a time when Ramona had green hair. These books perfectly capture the world of a child, for a child, without feeling like a "children's book" for the child reader.
My current favorite book is a tie between a long time beloved book, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and a more recent favorite, The Hiding Place. I have read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn many times, and every time I finish wanting to read it again. It is the story of Francie Nolan and her life. The Hiding Place is a powerful, true story of a woman and her family that save the lives of many Jews by hiding them in a secret place inside their home/watch shop. It beautifully braids faith, family and routines and rituals in to this amazing story. I cried throughout most of this book! I was so touched and moved by the faith of this woman, and her goodly parents for having instilled in her the love of God and for all his people.

I'm in a relationship!

... with my alarm clock that is. Patiently, it deals with my failures (not waking up when I set it to go to the gym), puts up with my "5 more minutes" routine, doesn't take it personally when I tell it to shut up, sleeps by my side, helps me get moving when I don't want to, is the first thing I look at when I wake up to, and last thing before I fall asleep. At times, we have had our love-hate, but through it all, my alarm clock remains. Thank you alarm clock, for getting me out of bed most days, through thick and thin.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all! I have been taking pictures of all the things I would like to blog about but sadly, do not have a cord to hook my camera to my computer. Those thoughts will have to wait for another day. Today, I feel especially reflective as I have contemplated motherhood, marriage and where I fit in everything. I don't fit in any of those boxes, but I have decided to celebrate the day in honor of those that do. I made mother's day cards for friends and family, peach cookies and plan to make deliveries for the ladies I visit teach. I feel twinges of sadness at what I have lost but remain hopeful for things to come. Borrowing from a phrase of President Uchtdorf "Big gates move on small hinges". Small little me will one day do great things.

I love my sewing machine!

The adventure began at Savers in Midvale, UT. I found not just one, but two pairs of the fabulous, Lucky brand jeans. The manufacturers had placed an inconvenient tear in the denim, but for $1.50 (BELIEVE IT!) each I couldn't go wrong! (Sidenote/FYI: Savers is THE place to do holiday shopping; typically everything is 1/2 off.) Anyhow, I put a patch over the holes and went on my way. Unfortunately, the holes are in what some would call "high stress areas". Did I mention I ride my bike everywhere too? The patch didn't last for too long and eventually the tear continued. I left it for some time, but eventually the breeze was becoming more unpleasant. Over the weekend I made it out to Jo-Anne's and bought replacement patches. This time, I sewed the patches in so there would be no awkward relapses. I have an amazing Bernina sewing machine that does all sorts of fancy things. One of them, is replicating the "in" trend of patch work on denim. Even though no one will notice my handiwork (due to the uncomfortable location of the garment tear)I am really excited with how the project turned out. I only wish I had taken before photos so my followers could appreciate the giant hole in my pants! Thank you Bernina, I love you!

What are things I can do to avoid homework? Let's see: I went to the temple, checked the mail, successfully managed to clean my apartment, made myself look spiffy, found a new online radio station, and started a profile to begin family history. I had planned on going to the gym, but shopping with girl friends won out. Now I am waiting for them to come over. If I had a car I would take myself. "I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet".

It's almost bedtime, and considering that my day will begin at 5:15 tomorrow morning, I should really start on some of that homework. I keep hoping that friends will be rescuing me any second now. Maybe I will vacuum in my fabulous heels (part of getting spiffy). Hmmm...

The beginning

Blogging has been a goal of mine for nearly a year now. Severely lacking in computer skills and never having caught on to the myspace craze, I thought myself hopeless. It seems that everyone has a blog these days; no longer limited to the married elite but single people, blogs dedicated to crafting and other special interest groups, you name it and they are everywhere! And everyone has one.

I am at the beginning of a soon to be end, with college graduation around the corner. I started my first class of Spring term yesterday; media socialization. One of our projects is to keep and maintain a blog; the purpose to make us active, rather than passive participants in today's media. Fortunately, I have the freedom to post about virtually anything (you would be surprised to learn that nearly every waking hour of our day coexists with some form of media). I plan to share the tidbits of what I learn, what I watch and maybe some of the more exciting things that are going on in my life. Please feel free to comment!